Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

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Strong1
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Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Strong1 » Sun Jun 30, 2019 7:23 pm

My husband and partner of 18 years has ED and he wants sex all the time. Has anyone else experienced this? If so why? What are your thoughts on this? I really never even consider my husband as having ED because we've been together for so many years that I don't really know anything else. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone here because a lot of people are here because they feel bad. The ED doesn't make me feel any different about him or myself but that could be because his resulted from a illness and not because of a medical conditions or unknown reasons. I know this topic might not settle well with some woman whom may have the opposite issue at home. For that I am sorry I am not trying to offend. I am simply wondering if his sex drive is related to the ED. He also has depression and sex seems to be something that makes him feel better so even though that is not related to uro talk if anyone has advice about that, I would like to hear it as well.

Thomas
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Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Thomas » Mon Jul 01, 2019 3:16 pm

I assume that he has a solution to overcome his ED problems? I don't think having ED increases a man's sexual appetite. Many women that have husbands with ED are in an opposite situation and are starving for intimacy and sexual attention but maybe their husbands have not found a solution to overcome their ED. I also assume that you don't like his appetite thus why you posted this topic? Define what all the time is. Three times a day, once a day, twice a week and how often does he actually get sex? How long do you guys go at it each time? Five minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, half hour or is it basically over before it starts? Does he masterbate a lot as well and watch porn? I think all guys with ED have depression whether they admit it or not. So he tries to self medicate his depression by having sex with you?
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Lost Sheep
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Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Lost Sheep » Mon Jul 01, 2019 9:31 pm

I too, am puzzled and have the same questions Thomas has.

Note: Thomas and I are unsure if the sex you and your husband have is coital, oral or by some other means. E.D. can be treated, but only in rare cases cured. For example, in my case (as for most other men with E.D.) I still have E.D. despite having been successfully such that I can successfully have penetrative sex with my partner.

I learned, as my E.D. worsened, to make love in other ways than coitus, but (like the majority of men with E.D. who talk or write about it) my desire for intimacy lessened as the ability of my penis to produce and maintain erections waned.

If your husband's E.D. is not successfully treated:

You two are truly blessed. It takes a strong desire in a man to continue initiating intimacy when he cannot "perform" in coitus.

And yes, in answer to your question, E.D. can cause depression. In fact, it is almost inevitable that it would. What is worse, that depression can make the causative E.D. even worse. (caveat: That last part is is a layman's "medical" opinion.)

It speaks well of the strength of your relationship that your husband still desires sex with you. A man's erectile capacity is a reward system in itself. I posted, in another thread in this forum, that repeated erectile failure is a strong deterrent to initiating intimacy. (So it was with me for a long time.) The "cure" for that deterrent is a reward system. I opine that your husband must feel mightily rewarded by you when he makes love with you.


ON THE OTHER HAND

If your husband's E.D. has been successfully treated (by whatever means), that is another story.

In my case, restoration of coital capacity resulted in a surge of a desire to make up for the imbalance between the orgasms I received and those I gave. My girlfriend is now able to collect on that debt. It might be that your husband is so eager with you for a similar reason.

That I am able to please her pleases me greatly. So, I am encouraged to make love with her often.


The thoughts I have just posted are simplistic due to a lack of understanding of the details of your question and of your relationship, as Thomas has suggested.

Bless you both. I pray that you are merely curious and not troubled by your husband's attentions.
Born 1948, After 30 yrs of progressive, unrecognized ED, I slowly accepted the reality (after a LOT of unproductive wishful thinking). Now successfully sexual with an AMS LGX implant 2017-11.

Strong1
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Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2019 10:53 pm

Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Strong1 » Mon Jul 01, 2019 10:58 pm

Thank you "Thomas & Black Sheep" for your reply it helped me have more insight. Appreciate your honesty. This whole thing of forums and talking about this is new to me and I'm not that great at it just yet. I guess I lacked details in my post. He uses Viagra but started also using Trimix about a year ago. As for frequency he wants it every day but realistically gets it 2 to 3 times a week. Most times it lasts less than 5 minutes after some oral foreplay on him and me because I'm not in the mood but want to make him happy and he tries to make it quick. We have kids and live busy lives. It's hard for our timing of being in the mood to line up. More often than not I am in the mood in the morning whereas he is at night. I also have low progesterone before menstruating. He doesn't masturbate often, maybe once or twice a month? My doctors tell me i'm a lucky lady and that it's a wonderful that he has such an appetite. I posted this question to see if other men felt this way. Or woman that have hormone imbalances. It's a lot of pressure of a wife to work, keep house, take care of the kids, and keep your husband happy. The fact that sex is his only form of antidepressant makes the time together crucial. Maybe I should find another forum location for this topic?

Lost Sheep
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Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Lost Sheep » Tue Jul 02, 2019 1:59 am

Strong1 wrote:
Mon Jul 01, 2019 10:58 pm
Thank you "Thomas & Black Sheep" for your reply it helped me have more insight. Appreciate your honesty. This whole thing of forums and talking about this is new to me and I'm not that great at it just yet. I guess I lacked details in my post. He uses Viagra but started also using Trimix about a year ago. As for frequency he wants it every day but realistically gets it 2 to 3 times a week. Most times it lasts less than 5 minutes after some oral foreplay on him and me because I'm not in the mood but want to make him happy and he tries to make it quick. We have kids and live busy lives. It's hard for our timing of being in the mood to line up. More often than not I am in the mood in the morning whereas he is at night. I also have low progesterone before menstruating. He doesn't masturbate often, maybe once or twice a month? My doctors tell me i'm a lucky lady and that it's a wonderful that he has such an appetite. I posted this question to see if other men felt this way. Or woman that have hormone imbalances. It's a lot of pressure of a wife to work, keep house, take care of the kids, and keep your husband happy. The fact that sex is his only form of antidepressant makes the time together crucial. Maybe I should find another forum location for this topic?
Thanks for filling in the gaps in the picture.

It was difficult for me to bring up the questions of my sexual (lack of) performance to my doctor. And that was only after I had acknowledged to myself that I had a problem AND that I needed to fix it. Only after passing out of that state of denial did I become accustomed to being a lot more candid. WIth myself, my doctor and my partner (and that is not the order of importance).
As for frequency he wants it every day but realistically gets it 2 to 3 times a week. Most times it lasts less than 5 minutes after some oral foreplay on him and me because I'm not in the mood but want to make him happy and he tries to make it quick....I posted this question to see if other men felt this way. Or woman that have hormone imbalances. It's a lot of pressure of a wife to work, keep house, take care of the kids, and keep your husband happy.
There are multiple issues you mention in your post. Mismatched desires for frequency, one partner "giving in" to please the other (not necessarily a bad thing), one partner feeling the need to "make it quick" (does that tell me that you do not have orgasms or fully enjoy the sexual experience?) etc.
We have kids and live busy lives. It's hard for our timing of being in the mood to line up. More often than not I am in the mood in the morning whereas he is at night. I
Yes, indeed, it is hard to feel sexy and desirous when you are exhausted from the exigencies of everyday life. I read a few times that the best aphrodisiac a man can give to a woman is to do the dishes (letting her relax after dinner).

I know many couples keep a "date night" once a week or once a month wherein time is set aside solely for revitalizing their relationship. Some even go the the extent of hiring someone to watch the kids and going to a hotel for such rendezvous. I have no idea if you have the budget for something like that, but bargain versions can be had with imagination. Just a picnic at the beach (sending the kids to grandparents) with a return home for an uninterrupted night of intimacy can be renewing - with or without the pressures of actual sex. Just talking and being together is sometimes enough. And if the juices begin flowing, so much the better. Just relax.

(Edited to add:) The sense of adventure and comfort required for exploring different sexual positions, activities, etc is sometimes hard to generate. Do not make it an additional stressor. But the joy of sex (when it happens) is liberating and refreshing.

We (my girlfriend and I) have found that choosing different positions can affect how enjoyable the experience is. However, when I suffered from untreated E.D. it was difficult or impossible to use that knowledge (no time to experiment before I would lose my erection). It seems to me after reading that your sessions last less than 5 minutes that you may be in the same situation. So, I do not suggest pressing this issue unless the option does come up. So, I mention it just in case.
I also have low progesterone before menstruating. He doesn't masturbate often, maybe once or twice a month? My doctors tell me i'm a lucky lady and that it's a wonderful that he has such an appetite. .... Or woman that have hormone imbalances.
You may already know this, but in case you don't, I mention it here. A woman's hormones can affect how much she desires sex, just as a man's do. Hers are even more complex. as desire, lubricity and elasticity of female tissues are also affected and affect sexual desire and enjoyment. Women have testosterone, too (albeit at much lower levels than men) and it affects sexual desire as much or more than it does in men.

A single visit to a marriage or sexual counselor with whom you could share details may give perspective, suggestions and solutions we may not think of here. Go alone for less pressure if you think your husband would be uncomfortable. Advisors are not surprised by very much and are a valuable resource.

As far as finding another forum location, this forum is titled "Support for Women..." so I suggest that continuing here is appropriate. There is no barrier to posting on another forum for slightly different questions you may have. Relationship forums abound.

It seems to me (forgive my stepping forward to boldly with certain assumptions) that you are giving in to his desires to protect his feelings and that he is also giving in to your desires as well. But sometimes two people accommodate for each other (a VERY good thing) without completely understanding the other persons real needs. This sometimes leads to sub-optimal outcomes. Communication is the key. Communicating about such a delicate subject is (by definition) delicate. (Back to my question of how well your sexual needs are being filled - obviously he is trying to, but perhaps sub-optimally.)

Men's testosterone levels after a night's sleep are usually higher than at any other time of day, so usually a man's desire peaks then, too. If a man does not sleep well, that can affect his sexual desire (and a raft of other emotions, too). How well does he sleep? I have sleep apnea, so have some experience with fitful/inadequate sleep and rest. Does he (or you) take medications? Some of these have side effects that can affect sexual desire. Changing the timing, dosage or even the medication itself can sometimes help. Your Doctor and Pharmacist can help. Before that, read the little information sheet that comes with the drugs and the internet for information about potential side effects.
I posted this question to see if other men felt this way.
I may be different from most other men, but I regard my lover's orgasms as more important than my own. I will spare you the florid rhetoric, but mine are easy and cheap while hers are ... If my lover did not get orgasms, our lovemaking would be little more than masturbation with another person participating. Lovemaking is much more than that. The contact, the attention given and received, the communion. These are the peripheral elements that infuse the sex with value. Somewhat how sauces infuse flavor into the meat of a meal. In any event, "making it quick" as a convenience to my lover is not the way I choose to go. I make every attempt to make the experience so enjoyable for her that prolonging the experience is her greatest desire. I believe your husband would feel the same if he felt adequate to please you. I don't know how you can communicate that to him without making it feel demanding, though. Gentle encouragement when YOU are in the mood is the best advice I know how to give. Non-sexual signals would probably work best. A back massage when you are scantily clothed perhaps. (Edited to add:) or perhaps just freshly washed but in comfortable non-sexy clothes (sweat pants or shorts and a t-shirt - undergarments optional). Whatever makes you both comfortable and you "available". If he makes a move, accept. If he doesn't, accept that as well. He will have the option in the future, and with no pressure, is more likely to (in my opinion, as a man who suffered the discouragements of E.D. for years.)

My prayers are with you both.
Last edited by Lost Sheep on Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:44 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Born 1948, After 30 yrs of progressive, unrecognized ED, I slowly accepted the reality (after a LOT of unproductive wishful thinking). Now successfully sexual with an AMS LGX implant 2017-11.

Thomas
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Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Thomas » Tue Jul 02, 2019 9:04 pm

I'll echo Lost Sheep's question as to why you're not in the mood? Does he make sex enjoyable for you? IMHO... I don't think for a man to want it every day is excessive and if he got it every day it would probably be too much for him? Perhaps you two could both compromise a little by giving in a little more and meet in the middle somewhere? Does it have to be vaginal sex, I would think he would be OK with oral sex or getting masturbated by you? Making time for each other to be intimate should be an important bonding loving experience between the two of you.
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Lost Sheep
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Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Lost Sheep » Fri Jul 05, 2019 6:06 pm

Please do not take my question (to which Thomas referred) as suggesting you are at fault for not being in the mood. While your mood is ultimately under your control, your mood (and your husband's mood) is a product of the JOINT EFFORTS of both of you, and of the day's circumstances and other factors which are not under your control.

Sex (properly) is a mutual, cooperative, joint effort which, in its ideal form requires no effort at all, does require some degree of maintenance effort. The best experiences have some degree of compromise, accommodation, even sacrifice. Rarely does good sex happen like it is shown in the most romantic movie scenes (though when life does approximate art, it can be magical). But one cannot have those magical moments without trying, and having the non-magical ones.

I prayed to God to let me win the Lottery. Week after week, no win for me. Finally, God spoke back to me and said, "Help me out here. You have to at least buy a ticket to the Lottery." My point is, you keep trying. Miss the mark occasionally, but if you set the scene, optimize your chances, sometimes you will hit the "jackpot". Keep buying those tickets. Your Husband loves you (as I read your original posts). And even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.

Keep the faith.

Edited to add: As a man who suffered from E.D. (unrecognized for decades - or perhaps I was in denial), I can attest to how discouraged from initiating love-making a man can get. If I know deep in my unconscious mind that sex will be unsatisfying for my partner, I pull back from getting HER "in the mood". It is a self-fulfilling cycle (to mix metaphors). Both partners participate in setting the mood and it is quite often appropriate for the man to initiate that mood-setting. But if it is hard for him to get up the courage, you can see where that leads, even if the people involved cannot.
Born 1948, After 30 yrs of progressive, unrecognized ED, I slowly accepted the reality (after a LOT of unproductive wishful thinking). Now successfully sexual with an AMS LGX implant 2017-11.

Lost Sheep
Posts: 51
Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2019 7:46 pm
Location: Anchorage Alaska

Re: Husbands with ED and sexual appetite

Post by Lost Sheep » Mon Aug 26, 2019 6:04 pm

Strong1 wrote:
Mon Jul 01, 2019 10:58 pm
Thank you "Thomas & Black Sheep" for your reply it helped me have more insight. Appreciate your honesty. This whole thing of forums and talking about this is new to me and I'm not that great at it just yet. I guess I lacked details in my post. He uses Viagra but started also using Trimix about a year ago. As for frequency he wants it every day but realistically gets it 2 to 3 times a week. Most times it lasts less than 5 minutes after some oral foreplay on him and me because I'm not in the mood but want to make him happy and he tries to make it quick. We have kids and live busy lives. It's hard for our timing of being in the mood to line up. More often than not I am in the mood in the morning whereas he is at night. I also have low progesterone before menstruating. He doesn't masturbate often, maybe once or twice a month? My doctors tell me i'm a lucky lady and that it's a wonderful that he has such an appetite. I posted this question to see if other men felt this way. Or woman that have hormone imbalances. It's a lot of pressure of a wife to work, keep house, take care of the kids, and keep your husband happy. The fact that sex is his only form of antidepressant makes the time together crucial. Maybe I should find another forum location for this topic?
I re-read your post and wonder if your Doctors who tell you that you are a lucky lady are male or female? Their gender can affect their perspective and affect what they define as "lucky lady".

5 minutes is not often enough duration to give a woman a satisfactory experience. Orgasms (I am told) do not have to happen every time, but once in a while is essential.

I believe an attentive lover/husband is not just attentive to his lover's needs during sex, or in foreplay, either. Foreplay starts long before intimate touching. Preparation of her libido starts by taking action to ensure she is rested and de-stressed enough to enjoy the experience. It is truly said that foreplay begins by the man clearing the dinner table and doing the dishes - letting his woman relax, perhaps in a bubble bath, perhaps with a foot rub. Does your husband do things like that? If not, examine the modifier "lucky".

While it may be his job (in my opinion) to do those things that make you ready to enjoy sex, it is your job to participate and (unfair as it may be) to teach him what he does not know about how to approach you and to please you. It took me several decades to learn that lesson myself, so it is not easy, nor is it obvious. But it has paid me ENORMOUS dividends!

You can show this post to your husband to get a conversation started, if you wish.
Born 1948, After 30 yrs of progressive, unrecognized ED, I slowly accepted the reality (after a LOT of unproductive wishful thinking). Now successfully sexual with an AMS LGX implant 2017-11.

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